Hello to anyone who reads my blogs, I hope things are going well in your walk in faith. I was laying in bed listening to a song on my phone not a Christian song but it wasn’t a bad song and I felt the need to write another blog so here it is..
I can tell you honestly that I never though I could ever feel inner peace at all, I thought that it was for more mature Christians or the people that did Yoga or relaxation techniques in which I can’t stay focused enough to get relaxed. Any way I thought it was impossible for me to any kind of peace until now!! I wasn’t looking for it and it found me. I have to share my experience with you because you will understand it more or you may not either way I have to share this with you.
I go to Family Prayer and Healing church for service either Saturday or Sunday, I heard that they were having a soaking service and I had never been to one so I decided I wanted to check it out. What it is, is calming music and you can sit kneel or lay down on the alter and just be quite and pray and lay there and thank god or kneel sit or lay while the music plays. Now my mind never stops going so I decided to go not knowing how long I would be able to sit to clear my mind and receive god but I sat there and prayed and just sat there trying to clear my mind but I didn’t feel any anointing or relaxed so I left that night thinking what is wrong with me why can’t I feel any thing like other people can, I decided I probably wouldn’t attend another soaking again. I never thought about that again, until one morning I woke up around 6am and just decide to soak myself in my bed so I looked up soaking music on youtube and I found a song with angels singing so I laid on my bed listening to the calming music of the angels and I closed my eyes for about five minutes then I opened my eyes and looked up and saw a white mist in the air above me I was saying to myself that’s the light from my laptop I bet so I closed my laptop and it was still there then I said to myself no this is just a ray of light coming from the window but it wasn’t the sun didn’t show that far in my room. I said to myself well then the house is on fire and I can’t smell anything. that sounds very funny but that’s what I thought. The mist was still there and I decided I would put my hand in it so I did and I closed my eyes and laid on my bed with the music playing and all of a sudden I felt this warmth fill my chest and I never felt that before and instantly I felt inner peace. The next day I went to pastor Heather and told her about what happened and she smiled and said that is Shekinah glory I had heard that word before in a book she was read to me but I didn’t exactly no what it was and she said that it is the presence of God. I was in shock the presence of god before my very eyes wow I was not sure about all that but I wasn’t not afraid. I guess that’s really specially because not many people have seen that before. So now I enjoy soaking and understand it.
I no that was a lot to take in for myself and probably for who ever is reading this, I’m serious this really happened to me and I still can’t believe that god was in my presence.. So now I feel like I have peace and It feels good it feels special. I thank god for peace and every thing he’s done for me. Now I feel that great things are going to happen in my life because I was able to experiences what I did and I now know that god is with me. It’s so amazing I can’t put it into words, I was laying in gods glory.. I can’t write any more because I can’t put into words what I want to say. But I did learn that peace is not just for mature Christians and yoga people or people who can relax better. it’s for regular people like me who tried soaking and didn’t understand it to laying in bed with soaking music to gods wonderful glory… It’s real he’s real and that’s all I can say. I wanted to share this.
I have been helping pastor Heather for a few weeks now and I have to say, that I have learned so much in the past few weeks. I’ve learned that pastors have a lot to deal with not just about the way the church runs and the programs and the money but how the congregation is and programs and counseling and visiting people and things for the community. Now I realize why pastors get burnt out and need more then just a day off they need a vacation and a therapist and a good group of friends.
I have learned from watching pastor Heather to be compassionate towards people. an I have always been compassionate but I feel an abundance of compassion more then I have ever been, by watching her help and listen to people. I have learned that it’s not all about me and my problems, everyone has issue and everyone needs someone to talk to and to listen to. Even though I am having a good day today, I have to understand and realize that someone some where is hurt today, someone is crying today, some one is sick today with a disease or illness. Someone lost a friend or a family member, someone picked up their first drug today, someone overdosed on drugs today. Someone picked up their first drink today, someone got drunk to the point of blacking out, someone got a DWI today. Yes I listed all of those things and I’m sure you got the point but do you realize that while you or I struggle with our problems and our hurts,habits, and hang ups there others out there going through their own struggle. So my eyes and ears and heart is open now and understanding thanks to god and my time watching pastor Heather that I can help serve and listen to anyone who needs someone to talk to or to listen or a shoulder to cry on.
Another thing that has been a big help for me is Celebrate Recovery, I have met so many kind, caring, loving people. I have a Celebrate Recovery family :) and we all support each other through good days and bad days. Many of us have come a long way in our journey in life and in faith. I’m so proud of all my peeps as I like to call them. I have also come a long way it’s great, I’m so thankful I heard about CR through a friend of mine and finally got enough courage to go. It’s funny because I really wish we had CR every day :) because I feel so comfortable and supported there. I like all my leaders. I thank god for my CR group.
My bible group is great also, a few great people who are funny and caring. I have learned so much about how to recognize negative thoughts and where they come from. How to think positively and what god wants for us and how Satan tries to put a strong hold on us. So many positive things going on in my life right now, I feel I will be able to continue to keep going forward in a positive direction. God has some plan for my life and I’m focused on finding out what that is. I just want to thank all my friends and family for supporting me through my good days and bad days. I enjoy all the good times we have together and can’t wait to have many more good times and make some new friends. Thanks to all my peeps , <3 you all.
I haven’t posted a blog in a while because so much has been going on,at one point I wasn’t motivated to write nor could I get my thoughts together to write a blog. I seem to be in a much better place now to be able to think clearly and be a bit more motivated.
So I’m going to explain what’s been going on in my life and what I’m doing now or plans for the future. This is going to be a long blog so if you’re in a hurry this is not the time to read this, just saying. For a while now I’ve been dealing with depression and I’ve kinda managed to handle it kinda ok but not the best, but any way this past May I lost my job due to my depression and I was kinda disappointed in myself and I kinda didn’t care at one point, it really didn’t feel drastic to me because I felt like I was feeling crappy already and this didn’t seem horrible I felt as though me going through my depression was way worst then losing my job. Any way I was on a medication already but it stopped working so after losing my job I decided I needed to see my doctor about possibly increasing the dose of the anti depressant. so I went to the doctor told her what was going on and we decided to raise my dose, I felt ok with that decision and I was hoping that I would be feeling a little better. I started having bad panic attacks out of the blue and I had to go to the ER because it got really bad, so I was told by the ER doctor that, the dose of anti depressants I was just put on seemed to be to high of a dose and I should either be weened off of it or put on a lower dose, so two days after I went to the ER I made an appointment with my doctor and I told her what happened. She said since the lower dose stopped working I could switch to a new medication and she named a few other medications, I was so freaked out about the panic attacks and going to the ER that I asked if I could get off this medication and go a few weeks with out any meds and see how I’m doing she said yes. So now I’ve been off medication for three weeks now and I’m a feeling some what better I have days when I’m feeling really good and days when I feel not sad but just ok. Which is fine with me if I don’t have any panic attacks. So I have to go back to the doctors tomorrow so she can see how I’ve been doing.
Now while all that’s been going on, I met Pastor Heather Irwin of Family Prayer and Healing Church at Revelation Station Cafe and that’s at her church and it’s a place of fellowship, coffee and music. Now she introduced her self and said her ministry is for helping Orphans and foster children achieve success, Now if you all no me you no my back round those who don’t will just have to ask. Any way when she said that it was like a sign from god, confirming i was in the right place. So when the cafe was over I went home and messaged pastor Heather just telling her a little bit of my history and I told her I would like to meet her if she’s interested. We finally got together for lunch and I listened as she told me about herself and the mission of the church, I was very touched by her Compassion for Children of the foster care system especially a pastor because I have never been to a fellowship/ gathering where the Pastor of all people recognized and wants to help foster children/ orphans that really touched my heart. Because I myself have seen some people turn there backs to children been abusive to children. That’s not right children are children regardless of their circumstances in which a majority of them have had no control over… ughh I could go on for hours about how unfair and mistreated foster children and Orphans have been treated. Any way I told Heather my childhood and where I’m at today.
Heather asked me if I would like to help her out with different tasks around the church and pay me until I can find a job. I’m very appreciative of every thing Heather is doing for me. I also think that this is where god wants me to be at this moment in time, to be focused on him and to be learning and healing and growing into the beautiful woman faithful woman he wants me to be. And you no what it all just kind of happened like I really didn’t have time to think and I also believe that’s what god intended to happen because god knew what Heather said she’s going to do she does it. Now I think about things way to much and that is bad for me because I over analyze things and end up not doing some thing because I found all these things that I feel I can’t do or what could happen or what will happen and I myself end up thinking myself out of anything and never get any thing I should get because I sabotaging myself. NOT A GOOD THING…
Any way I’m going to have to write another blog because this is getting pretty long and I don’t no if this will all post on fb. so a continuation will follow.
Qol Sharif Mosque: Kremlin, Moscow, Russia.
This is beautiful!!
I had all intentions of doing a blog last night about patience, but things took a turn for the negative. So my blog tonight is me sharing how the enemy is always going to try and reek havoc some way or another.
I wake up and go to work on Monday the 19th, every thing seems fine with me. I was not in a bad mood or tired or grumpy, I was a bit achy. I finish work at 4pm and decide to go to my friends the “Turners” to hang out until my Monday night CR group. Bert is making dinner and so I decided that I would help him and get his dry clothes off the clothes line. After that dinner is done, I eat dinner and thank Bert for dinner and leave for Monday nigh CR.
I get to church and go in, I go sit where we usually sit for opening of CR. I wait for our leader to start. We listen to music do the 12 steps. We have a guess speaker and so then speaker begins talking and from the time I sat down until this point I felt kind of mad but I don’t no why so I continue to listen to the guess speaker, then I get this feeling or thought I don’t remember which that makes me feel like I don’t belong at CR. After the guess speaker we broke up for group. In group we listen to opening prayer. Then we all decide that I should go first, so I tell the group that I started blogging my journey in faith, Now when I decided to do the blogging of my walk in faith I was and am still excited because I have so much to learn and so much that I could share about what I learn. But at group I felt the words come out of my mouth but I didn’t feel any feeling of excitement. I’m not even wondering what’s going on at that moment. Then from that time I continued to say negative things about a few situations I am dealing with and just spewed out negativity and I didn’t stop and think I just kept going like I couldn’t shut up nor did I stop and think “Tam what the hell is going on with you” My leaders and some from the group gave me so much positive advice on how I could think about things in a “positive” way but I just listened and nodded my head like a freaking bobble head and felt and acted like I didn’t care about the outcome of some of the things I was talking about. Group eventually ended and I got in my car and started to drive towards home.
As I was driving I started yelling, I said that I’m done with CR and I’m not going back. I also yelled ” Satan I hate you, I hope god wins the spiritual battle because you suck so much” LOL I really did say that as I was crying. The thought entered my mind that I should pray right then to god, but I decided not to for the simple reason and that is, some times when I get negative I take it out on god, and I didn’t want to do that this time because I have been learning through bible study that it’s not gods fault I’m being negative, it’s not gods fault for any of this and I sure have grown a little bit in my faith enough to realize Gods not behind my negative thinking and so why should I blame him for it. I want to love god and ask questions and Thank him not be angry and blame him for stuff he didn’t do. But I never once stopped myself from spinning out of control in my negativity, I allowed Satan to hijack my mind and my thinking. When I finally got home I was tired because I drained myself mentally with nothing but negativity, grrrrrrrrrr that makes me mad!!!!!!!!! What did I learn from this whole thing? it’s that I need to find the best way that suites me to keep Satan from hijacking my thoughts. And second it’s to pray for gods help in this situation, It’s ok to ask for help from god during those times, Just don’t go blaming God because that’s what the enemy wants me to do to keep me far from god. I also find it disturbing that when I was in church is when I was negative but once I was out of church I didn’t seem to be negative at least not as much as when I was in church. I am proud of myself today, because at least I can say I recognize now that, the enemy really is sneaky and some times I just have to really stop and think. I’m happy I can share this with everyone because we all will have this in our life as long as we our Christians or faithful. God doesn’t give up and that means Satan has to try really hard to reek havoc to keep us from loving or believing in god and doing great things. He wants us to sin and to me that means taking our energy and joy and any thing he can in order to succeed, and I don’t want him to win.
Welcome family and friends, I want to take the time to tell you why I’m blogging. I thought it would be a great idea if I would journal/blog my walk in faith. I’m a new Christian and I have tons of things to learn and understand about being a believer/follower of Christ!! So I will be posting blogs frequently about what I have learned or am studying, or just questions or videos or quotes from Joyce Meyers, I really like to hear and read Joyce Meyers!! she can be very funny… Any way I want to share with you my walk in faith. Some of my blogs will be open for comments and some won’t but for the most part comments will be welcome. I love to hear peoples experiences in their own faith because it really does help me when I am trying to learn things or some times when I wonder if what I’m thinking is normal for a new christian, like “Am I supposed to hear god talking to me?” or “why can’t I feel the holy spirit” I enjoy hearing the good and the bad of peoples struggle with faith. if you want read and or comment if not that’s fine. I just really am excited about sharing with you what I learn, what I experience, who I meet. Thanks for reading, god bless… Tam :)